So here I am...

I don't know what to say, but I feel like I should say something.  Should say it in writing.  Should say it here.  I'm not exactly where I thought I would be post-graduation; Its been a while since I've had any manic, floor-pacing drives to write anything; and I just saw a commercial for Guinness Blonde Ale.  Nothing is what it used to be, or supposed to be.  I'm not what I'm supposed to be.  I've gone astray somehow and some part of me tells me that doing this might help me get back on track.

I won't talk about family too much.  Every time I do I get the same lecture from people.  Things aren't what they used to be, or should be, with them either.  I can't shake the feeling that I'm responsible for that to some degree.  (Save it, I don't want to hear it.)  What's worse is I'm powerless to do anything about it now.  (Yeah, save that one too.)  That is my foremost concern.  Its on my mind pretty much constantly.

I met someone.  I was content to some degree.  In the end I don't think I was as into it as she was, which is why when I started getting chest pains and headaches and long walks to avoid explosion (which is a pretty good route towards implosion actually) I decided that it wasn't worth continuing.  And then I thought "This is the most horrible thing you've ever done in your life".  I thought "the least you could do is to try and make it work".  Then I changed my email password.  Because its my email password and I thought I could do that.  I got a call at seven in the morning that felt like an interrogation, like a scolding, like I had fucked up somehow with how I chose to manage my personal information.  I realized that I had probably done the right thing.  I still wish I had handled it differently.  I still wish I had said "Lets slow down" or "I don't know if I'm ready to get THAT serious".  I wish that when she'd told me not to settle, or that we shouldn't be together because she wasn't my type or I couldn't handle someone lie her or that we came from different worlds or any of the many other outs that she gave me...that I'd listened.  I wish that I wasn't so proud.  I wish I wasn't so influenced by shame now.  She was a great friend.  I wish I could be a better friend to her.  I owe her so much and I'll never be able to completely repay her.  I wish i could at least try.  I'm sorry at how that ended up.

I'm sorry.

I'm sad and I'm tired.  Tomorrow I'll try writing.  If not creating something, then reaching out to people.  If I could just get back to where i was then maybe things can be what they were supposed to be.

Colors

josh and zora slam of the ages 2009

So after learning that I might be able to help out with Youth Voices without having to travel at least a hundred miles, I decided to look up some of my own favorites, and found this one.  Zora really is amazing.  Everything that girl touches is golden.  Also, note the tag.

Geoffrey Philp's Blog Spot: Defining Moments...Joanne C. Hillhouse

I thought of how I’ve daydreamed my way through life, always with parallel scenarios running on delay in my head.

I know I am a writer, and, yet, insecurity dogs me; insecurity, and curiousity, and questions, and this tendency to pick at things, and pain so big it feels like it might swallow me sometimes.

I know I am a writer, because, through it all, I write.

Geoffrey Philp's Blog Spot: Defining Moments...Joanne C. Hillhouse

Richness. I'm surrounded by Kings and Queens who don't even know how much I want to dance in their courts. How happy I'd be just being a prince.

Fuck This Movie

The Time Traveller's Wife - Meeting Alba

Fuck this Movie.  Fuck it in its mouth!

On crying at work, and other things.

I've been telling everybody I can about my nightmare last night. How I opened my eyes and found myself paralyzed and frightened. I tell them about how It made me angry. How i got up and, with stiff arms and legs tried to walk out of the room to get a glass of water. But then I tripped, and floated in air, changing positions, until I was right back in bed where I'd started.

Only, That's not where the dream ends. What I haven't told anyone is...I called out. Moaned weakly, but it was supposed to be a scream. Only no one answered. There wasn't even anyone there to hear me.

And that's when i woke up.

My supervisor just came in to give me my second talking to for the day. It was the usual turnaround. I nodded and smiled and shrugged and said things like "Yeah, I understand." and "I'll try to do better." She mentioned that I seemed disinterested in the job, like I didn't want to come to work and I jokingly thought 'Oh no, you've caught me.' And then she mentioned loneliness. And then she mentioned disappointment. And she mentioned having no one to turn to, because all m y friends that I once relied upon for support were alcoholics or smokers or womanizers.

And that's when I truly thought. "Oh Jesus. She's caught me." I sat down. And I lasted a good five more minutes before i started to cry.

What's the last thing that made you cry?

Anis Mojgani at the National Slam 2005