So here I am...

I don't know what to say, but I feel like I should say something.  Should say it in writing.  Should say it here.  I'm not exactly where I thought I would be post-graduation; Its been a while since I've had any manic, floor-pacing drives to write anything; and I just saw a commercial for Guinness Blonde Ale.  Nothing is what it used to be, or supposed to be.  I'm not what I'm supposed to be.  I've gone astray somehow and some part of me tells me that doing this might help me get back on track.

I won't talk about family too much.  Every time I do I get the same lecture from people.  Things aren't what they used to be, or should be, with them either.  I can't shake the feeling that I'm responsible for that to some degree.  (Save it, I don't want to hear it.)  What's worse is I'm powerless to do anything about it now.  (Yeah, save that one too.)  That is my foremost concern.  Its on my mind pretty much constantly.

I met someone.  I was content to some degree.  In the end I don't think I was as into it as she was, which is why when I started getting chest pains and headaches and long walks to avoid explosion (which is a pretty good route towards implosion actually) I decided that it wasn't worth continuing.  And then I thought "This is the most horrible thing you've ever done in your life".  I thought "the least you could do is to try and make it work".  Then I changed my email password.  Because its my email password and I thought I could do that.  I got a call at seven in the morning that felt like an interrogation, like a scolding, like I had fucked up somehow with how I chose to manage my personal information.  I realized that I had probably done the right thing.  I still wish I had handled it differently.  I still wish I had said "Lets slow down" or "I don't know if I'm ready to get THAT serious".  I wish that when she'd told me not to settle, or that we shouldn't be together because she wasn't my type or I couldn't handle someone lie her or that we came from different worlds or any of the many other outs that she gave me...that I'd listened.  I wish that I wasn't so proud.  I wish I wasn't so influenced by shame now.  She was a great friend.  I wish I could be a better friend to her.  I owe her so much and I'll never be able to completely repay her.  I wish i could at least try.  I'm sorry at how that ended up.

I'm sorry.

I'm sad and I'm tired.  Tomorrow I'll try writing.  If not creating something, then reaching out to people.  If I could just get back to where i was then maybe things can be what they were supposed to be.