Playing the Fool

I don't know if I should be thinking of this as the first day of my vacation or no.  Its a Saturday for one thing.  For another thing I'll likely have to go into work some time next week.  But the truth is yesterday was the last day of work.  I had it in mind when I played video games until I was sick last night.  I had it on my mind when I woke up this morning and wanted nothing more than to go back to bed.

But again...that might just be because it's Saturday.

I think the topper is the fact that I'm constantly reminded that its the holidays.  That makes it real.  The music is all over the radio, the ads are all over the TV, and there's the constant sound of firecrackers in the neighborhood that are liable to drive both the dog and I absolutely batshit.  It is unmistakeably, unavoidably Christmas time.  Free time.  And for me...alone time.  Just what I wanted all year round.  Right?

I should have been travelling by now.  I should have either been on a plane or somewhere waiting for a plane.  I should have ben with the woman i love.  instead i'll be...somewhere.  I don't know yet.  I'll think of something though.  I'll go mad if I spend Christmas in a house on my own.  i'll die if I do the same for New Years.  Maybe I can convince someone to go on a road trip with me.  Maybe I can go to Mexico or Guatemala.  After a dozen trips, I'm still not fed up with Chetumal yet.  And I've never been to Flores.

Flores sounds nice.  Merri would want me to go.

With my mind, I'd do better not to speculate about why I'm spending the holidays by myself.  My doubt and insecurity can only do me harm.  But lets consider this:  People say you can't help who you fall in love with.  I disagree.  You can help it.  You can resist.  You can even ignore the fact that such a thing as love even exists.  When we do fall in love, or more accurately, when we do the things that people who are in love do, we do so by choice.  And we do so knowing that we are taking a huge risk.  That we'll get our hearts broken.  That we'll make fools of ourselves.  That the other person isn't as honest, as sweet, as kind and wonderful as you've percieved them as.  But you take that risk because you love them.  And loving them makes you feel as if you're being loved.  Even if it turns out you're only fooling yourself. 

And its worth it.  Its always worth it.  How wonderful it is to play the fool.  How wonderful it is to pretend you're still by my side, and i by yours, and that nothing; not time or space or the influences of other hearts around you can even begin to touch that.  Afterall, there's no such thing as far away.

Day 1 - Travel

Survived Cancun, despite personal anxiety. Despite being turned back at the border so Erica could use the right passport. Despite getting on to the most obnoxious bus ever created from Belize City to the border, and then having that bus abandon us on the Belize side of the border.

Thank goodness for travel mates. Erica and I noticed a guy on the bus with two bags big enough to smuggle an adult. From the look of the guy struggling with the weight, he might have had two adults in there afterall. We heard him ask the conductor if we would be crossing the border, and later he asked another passenger if he knew how long it took to get to Cancun by bus. During the grueling five hour trip in an uncomfortable bus with intollerably loud music (And a drunk that decided to join us the last fifty or so miles to the border), he was cheerfully chattering away the time with another passenger, and doing so with impressive confidence, even though his Creole accent made an otherwise elegant language sound like tumbling rocks.

As ut tyrbed iyt ge was a Belizean studying Electrical Engineering in Cuba. Not only was he flying back from Cancun the next morning, just like we were, it turns out he was from our old neihborhood to boot. His company, assistance, and quick translations made our trip immeasurably more tolerable. That guy is a lifesaver.

I just wish I could remember his name.

***

I don't remember the flight from Houston to Laguardia. I remember someone nudging me, and I mumbled 'orange juice' to that person. I remember drinking my orange juice. I remember landing.

So we're here! Getting to the hostel was a bit bumpier than I had planned. The problem was Lennox Avenue and Lexington Avenue look too similar when reading through the smeared window of the third bus you've been on in 24 hours without a shower. Too bad they're about five or six blocks apart. So much for cutting down on the walking time.

I miss Merri. This place isn't the same without her. I was afraid of that.

New York in summer. I was dripping sweat by the time we got to the subway, and the train kicked up a hot smelly breeze redulant of childhood memories. I'll try to make the best of it.