Once, back when Merri was still here, back when we regularly shared the same bed, I had a dream.
In my dream I was in the most perfect place. A paradise I could hardly recognize. And it was the perfect day. I was leaving a tiny room through a plain wooden door and I stepped outside to greet the rising sun ambling skyward, steaming as it rose from the sea. I dipped my toes in the sand, considered the hues of color in the sky for a moment, and began walking. I still don't know where I was going, but I was alone. And I wanted to find...someone. Anyone to share this day with. I was walking to her.
I didn't know who she was or what she looked like, but I did know who she wasn't. She wasn't Merri. This was an odd brand of guilt. One flavored by elation, excitement and disappointment. Not disappointment for my behavior or actions. But...for being allowed to behave this way. That doesn't really explain it. I don't know if I can explain it. For that matter I don't know if I should. It was just a dream.
But after i'd stepped out into the perfect day and went out looking for her, I didn't really get very far since...she was already on her way to find me.
On her way to find me.
You might be thinking 'Okay, this is where things get hot and steamy. He's gonna talk about breasts and penises now.' Its not. Sorry to disappoint. We just sat, once we'd found one another. Sat and chatted a bit, but I was still buzzing with the idea that she was looking for me! The elation I was feeling in my dream-heart just talking to her was just as good as infidelity.
Especially considering the fact that every time I turned to look over my shoulder I would see Merri. Sitting there. Looking blankly, though not at me. Never at me. I'd call her name but she wouldn't respond. We'd go on chatting, me and she, and every so often I'd look back at Merri to find...she wasn't all that concerned. So...I thought...what else could we do? Right here? In front of Merri?
When I woke up she was on the far side of the bed and for the first time...first of many...our backs were turned. I should have paid attention to this. I should have paid attention to a lot of things. But sometimes...you're so desperate to hold on to the good things, that you let the bad ones slide.
Anyway, I was wracked with guilt. I turned and pulled her to me, kissing her firmly awake. I didn't tell her about the dream. It was just a dream.
Just a dream.
In my dream I was in the most perfect place. A paradise I could hardly recognize. And it was the perfect day. I was leaving a tiny room through a plain wooden door and I stepped outside to greet the rising sun ambling skyward, steaming as it rose from the sea. I dipped my toes in the sand, considered the hues of color in the sky for a moment, and began walking. I still don't know where I was going, but I was alone. And I wanted to find...someone. Anyone to share this day with. I was walking to her.
I didn't know who she was or what she looked like, but I did know who she wasn't. She wasn't Merri. This was an odd brand of guilt. One flavored by elation, excitement and disappointment. Not disappointment for my behavior or actions. But...for being allowed to behave this way. That doesn't really explain it. I don't know if I can explain it. For that matter I don't know if I should. It was just a dream.
But after i'd stepped out into the perfect day and went out looking for her, I didn't really get very far since...she was already on her way to find me.
On her way to find me.
You might be thinking 'Okay, this is where things get hot and steamy. He's gonna talk about breasts and penises now.' Its not. Sorry to disappoint. We just sat, once we'd found one another. Sat and chatted a bit, but I was still buzzing with the idea that she was looking for me! The elation I was feeling in my dream-heart just talking to her was just as good as infidelity.
Especially considering the fact that every time I turned to look over my shoulder I would see Merri. Sitting there. Looking blankly, though not at me. Never at me. I'd call her name but she wouldn't respond. We'd go on chatting, me and she, and every so often I'd look back at Merri to find...she wasn't all that concerned. So...I thought...what else could we do? Right here? In front of Merri?
When I woke up she was on the far side of the bed and for the first time...first of many...our backs were turned. I should have paid attention to this. I should have paid attention to a lot of things. But sometimes...you're so desperate to hold on to the good things, that you let the bad ones slide.
Anyway, I was wracked with guilt. I turned and pulled her to me, kissing her firmly awake. I didn't tell her about the dream. It was just a dream.
Just a dream.
***
That was ages ago. Don't even remember the date. But today...today I had the most wonderful day. I haven't seen Merri in a year. I haven't spoken to her in months. People ask me about her. I smile and give them old information. I think about her constantly.
This morning I showered, and got dressed, in the bathroom of the tiny Hotel room Sean and I are sharing for the weekend. I stepped through the green wooden door and onto the 'lawn' of the hotel, which is all sea sand. The sun was already up. The waves were sparkling under it. A cool wind blew at me from nearly all directions.
I did go looking for her. I'm loathe to admit it. I feel so guilty. In fact, i felt pretty dumb since she wasn't looking for me. She wasn't even awake yet.
But she did wake up earlier. And she had been looking for me. Or at least she seemed to be. She tends to talk in her sleep. It might have been real. It might have been just a dream.
This morning I showered, and got dressed, in the bathroom of the tiny Hotel room Sean and I are sharing for the weekend. I stepped through the green wooden door and onto the 'lawn' of the hotel, which is all sea sand. The sun was already up. The waves were sparkling under it. A cool wind blew at me from nearly all directions.
I did go looking for her. I'm loathe to admit it. I feel so guilty. In fact, i felt pretty dumb since she wasn't looking for me. She wasn't even awake yet.
But she did wake up earlier. And she had been looking for me. Or at least she seemed to be. She tends to talk in her sleep. It might have been real. It might have been just a dream.
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